Overcoming Pain

Pain is measured by how much it is weighing you down. Unfortunately, this year was painful: for multiple reasons.

• ·      Physical and emotional weight gain
• ·       Wars across the globe
• ·       My sister-in-law’s 13-year-old nephew martyred
• ·       Left Medtronic after a 14 year tenure
• ·       Had an emergency heart angiogram
• ·       Crying in Jerusalem

Pain is subjective to those who are feeling it. In the Emergency Department, they objectify it to determine whether or not to treat you. In May of this past year, I went to two different ED’s. I had symptoms of a heart attack but since they weren’t dire, I was sent home. I recall the doctor saying “You won’t die tomorrow” at discharge. Two days later, I went with my instinct and saw my cardiologist, who transferred me for an emergency heart angiogram. 

In December, the same thing happened. I went to four different hospitals and saw more than seven physicians, for one of them to state “You’ll just need to learn to live with chest pain.” <Insert gasp here.>

As I look back on the past year, I tried to summarize how my pain was relieved. I realized after typing them that they also caused some of the pain but it may still be worth sharing.

Stop Being So Hard On Yourself

Honestly, I still haven’t fully figured this one out yet. Balancing this so-called life with my family, my health and my work, I am constantly putting myself down with feelings of not being or doing enough. I try to keep up with the changes of my growing almost eight-year-old daughter with some days more difficult than others.

I switched jobs earlier in the year to be closer to my daughter and found myself pulling further away from her. Working just as many hours and doing the bare minimum when I got home, I thought it was a bad decision until I realized how much she values the midday hugs, since I work at her school. When someone asked her what I did, she proudly stated “she practically runs the place with the principal!”

The hard expectations I put on myself aren’t as important to what my husband and daughter expect of me. The expectations and the goals I set for myself don’t mean anything if it creates bad memories for those who love me. When you set realistic expectations, it’s easier to be positive about who you’ve become. It is also easier to accept yourself at the end of each day.

Don’t Be Someone You’re Not

Speaking of expectations, we too often try to fit into a mold to go along with the groove. I spent an amazing 14 years at Medtronic, holding various roles to live out the company’s mission. I loved what we stood for but I started to feel out of place. Why was I at this company? What was my next move? Was it in alignment to I needed to be healthy? Or what my family needed to stay strong?

It’s hard to make a change. It’s even harder to put on a face I couldn't keep straight anymore. There are multiple sayings on how it's easier to just tell the truth than to maintain a lie. That holds true in the people you surround yourself with and the roles you take on. Just be yourself.

Articulate Your Pain Well Enough to Explain It

The weight of living with some sort of chronic pain can be indescribable on most days. But it’s critical to be able to speak up on when it’s holding you down. I like to convince myself that the physicians I saw were experts in their field, but to be out of breath with pain and tightness in my chest, well, that’s just not normal. My friend, Dr. Kiran Chaudhry, teaches medical students. She stated how it’s easy to read her notes and make a diagnosis because she actually sits with her patients. She proudly explained to me “that’s the number one thing I’ve learned in my twenty years of service is to just listen. Patients already know what’s wrong with them, you just have to listen.”

After weeks in various hospitals with various doctors, it is only when I finally found a doctor who listened that I started to heal. I was able to explain my pain without a lecture on what they thought it was but rather empathy for what I had been through. I was able to explain what was happening and the effect it had on me. I went twice in once week and we were able to work on a plan together for how I could get better.

When two people are dancing at a party, they both have the same amount of joy. When two people are sitting next to each other in a funeral home, they both have the same amount of remorse. When someone is in pain, the person adjacent to them cannot feel it. Even with empathy, they do not physically have the same pain in that moment.

Pain is generally a lonely feeling. It can cause you to put yourself down or to have you pretend you’re fine to keep everyone going. But with so much of it in the world today, it’s important to be able to express it, even if it can be kind of a downer.

It is okay to express pain. It is truly the only way to overcome it. 

https://cpr123.com/the-most-common-heart-attack-symptoms-in-women/

Restoring Health

It’ll be four years since I was admitted into Honor Health hospital for low heart rate. After fainting three times in a row the day before, my heart rate was in the 30s. I was in my early 30s- how could this be happening? 

There were weeks and months of cardiac tests after that hospital visit. I had pericarditis, a heart inflammation that led to the hospital stay. Even when that recovered, my heart fully did not.  

I remember waking up one night to the nurses trying to “revive” me. The lights were bright. Monitors were going off. I grabbed one of the nurses hand to ask her if I was alive. The hospital discharged me the next day. What if it happens again? I don’t have nurses at home. But in August of that year, I had a Medtronic LinQ heart recorder inserted. I was at ease. Someone was watching my heart. My slow heart. 

I was diagnosed with bradycardia on every EKG. My resting heart rate was 45-50 on a good day. The word pacemaker was tossed around more than a few times. 

I’ve been with Medtronic for going on 13 years in May. I know everything about pacemakers. I’ve heard the patient stories. I advocate for the patients when I call my suppliers. But to get one implanted was a thought beyond belief. Since we’re in allocation mode, surely there’s someone who deserves one more than me. 

On Jan 3, 2023 I was admitted into Arizona Heart Hospital, low rate and the new thing- low blood pressure. When will this end? Dizzy spells on a daily basis. Feeling tired all the time. Chest pain when I run after my daughter in the park. I’m only 35. I should have more energy. 

For various reasons, I spent the last two weeks in bed. Wondering when I will feel normal again, to top it off, I had to hear my daughter say “I want my mommy back.” Way to start off the new year. 

Well, she not only has her mommy back but an improved one. I received a Medtronic Azure single chamber pacemaker this week. 

When I woke up from anesthesia, my EKG showed a heart rate of 59. I thought the EKG was for the person in the next bay, not me. Every time I glanced at the monitors, I thought I was dreaming - 59, 62, 74, 68. Maybe I was hallucinating from the morphine. My EKG prior to surgery was 44. 

At 4pm the nurse wanted me to walk. I was scared. Of course, I’ll have some sort of dizziness. Some sort of fatigue, right? I was under anesthesia for crying out loud- no way I will feel different. 

But I was wrong. I felt 23 again. No dizziness. No fatigue. I couldn’t even feel the scar from the medicine I was on. When I realized this was my new reality, I cried. I cried out of pure happiness. Pure relief. I wasn’t dreaming. 

I was diagnosed with chronotropic incompetence, the inability for my heart rate to increase with my physical activity. The pacemaker measures where my heart rate is supposed to be and if it’s lower, will send electrical signals to adjust it to the optimal rate. My dizziness would happen before because I would stand up and my heart rate wouldn’t raise above 60 when it needed to be. Now, not even three hours after my implant and all the symptoms that I had deemed as normal, were gone. 

Medtronic vows to “Alleviate Pain, Restore Health and Extend Life” amongst other things. Our patients come first in every decision, design or practice we do. 

Medtronic restored my health. I’ve spent the last thirteen years living out the mission and advocating for patients. Advocating for all but one patient, me. Grateful is an understatement. Grateful for those who found innovative ways to make this smaller with a longer battery life. Grateful for our suppliers to provide the components we needed when we needed them. Grateful for my peers for not giving up on the suppliers that said “no we can’t ship that.” Grateful for all the manufacturing team members for handling each component or device with care as if it’ll go in their own heart. 

It’s easy to know technically what we do at Medtronic. It’s easy to get excited over innovation and the engineering that is accomplished. But for each patient, it’s about getting a second chance at life, living without pain or being able to chase after her daughter without feeling tired.

My low heart rate controlled the limits for what I could or couldn’t do in my life. Now, the only measure is living out what my heart desires. 

Overcoming my 2021 crisis

I love to see people’s reactions when I say I’m in sourcing. 

“That’s boring!” 

“I bet you have no issues to deal with.”

And the sarcasm continues. Following 2020, there were factors that contributed to the global supply chain crisis. Long story short, factories were closing because of new COVID policies but the demand for items were increasing. 

Looking back on my posts, it occurred to me that I had not posted anything since the end of 2020. Makes sense in hindsight. 2021 was a rough year for me: personally and professionally. If I could pick one year to do over again in my life, it would be 2021. But you don’t get do-overs. You have to pick up whatever pieces you have left and move forward. You have to know how to recognize and learn from your mistakes so you don’t repeat them again. 

It is painful. But it would be even more painful to cut through an open wound. 

LISTEN 

Professionally, I was tasked with leading an SAP implementation for my function for our site. We were supposed to backfill my position but it didn’t work so well. I ended up doing two full-time jobs. Personally, I was invincible. I can take care of my family and even grow it. My husband disagreed. 

Or at least that’s how I saw it in the midst of things. He didn’t really disagree but he saw a reality that consumed me beyond belief. I could barely keep up with being present with my current loved ones since I was working 60+ hours per week. I heard him saying I was incapable and it triggered a lot of heartache, unnecessary at times. 

If I had I only listened to what he was saying or trying to understand what he saw, I would’ve realized how unbalanced my life was. Unbalanced because the weight of work held me down. 

SEE 

I needed to open my eyes. It’s not easy to stop in your day to see what you’re doing or not doing. But if I had only stepped out of my self (so to speak), I would’ve seen my actions. 

I would’ve seen myself working on my laptop during playtime in my daughters room. I would’ve seen myself choosing to do some laundry versus sitting and watching a 20 min show with my husband. I would’ve seen myself talk to people with an attitude who was only trying to be hospitable. 

When things are tough, which they constantly can be in todays supply chain World, I tend to stop and do a sanity check. How is my behavior? Where are my priorities? This helps me correct my behavior before it harms myself or others around me. 

SPEAK UP 

This one was probably my biggest lesson from 2021. I even put it in my employee review. Pre-2022 Tima would take it all on. Extra project, sure! Ballet practice, of course. Favorite home cooked meal, priority.  That new supplier line down issue, who else? 

But now I ask for help. It scarred my ego the first few times I had to stop and say “I can’t do this right now” or “if it’s needed, what can I stop working on?”  Personally, reaching out to my husband for support and even five year old daughter was a test of my humility. 

There are only so many hours in the day so why aren’t we more keen on how it’s spent? 

I can’t turn back time. I can only make the best of time I have. It’s definitely hard to listen to feedback when the sound of a category 5 hurricane is escalating beside you. 

It’s hard to see who you have become or who you are hurting when there are thousands of assignments piling up on your desk. 

Just when you think you’ve become a superhuman superhero, it’s definitely hard to stop and say “I need help.” 

The global supply chain crisis is here to stay for at least another two years. My family won’t wait on the sidelines much longer so balancing my life is even more important now than ever. 

It’s critical for me to listen to them, see myself and speak up. A line down costs a company thousands of dollars or even millions, depending on how or where the backlog is. But the cost of losing what matters most to you is incalculable. Prevent yourself from getting to that point. 

Turning off the Extrovert In Me

 This pandemic has been hard on everyone. Every household is dealing with this in one way or another. Some families lost loved ones and the goodbyes were via their nurses. Some families are being evicted and lost their jobs with three children in their hands. Some can work from home. Some are risking their lives to take care of the rest of us. 

The time at home has been a blessing in disguise for me but now everyday is about survival. Wake up to our morning coffee. Log into our work zones (one minute commute up the stairs). Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Toddler business and laundry in between. The sun rises and sets, with no concept of time in those twelve hours.

I don’t watch a lot of broadcasted television but when I do it’s all about ‘coming together’ or ‘staying in contact while staying apart.’ So how did I come to do less of that? Or rather, why? 

The Rush of Switching Routines 

The spring was about the transition. There was one Wednesday afternoon (March 11), I left the office to head home and haven’t been back since. At first, it was keeping our essential, medical manufacturing line running as our global suppliers started to shut down, one by one. From 6am-6pm, I sat in front of my laptop, verifying every part and putting out every little spark so it wouldn’t turn into a fire. 

My daughter was great then. Being home from daycare, with grandma and grandpa, knowing mommy and daddy were just upstairs, she was occupied and happy. I’d check on her during my water breaks and we started our evening walks and enjoyed the lack of 30 mile commute. 

Then the day would repeat. And repeat again, until things smoothed into our new norm. 

The Summer Heat 

In Phoenix, summer temperatures can reach above 110 as early as May. Not only are you stuck at home all day, only allowed to go on essential errands, it’s now above 100 and not as safe to face the sun. 

The days naturally became longer and with our swimming pool in perfect condition, our afternoon walks turned into afternoon swims. And with good timing. My daughter now asks to go to back to school. She asks to have her friends over to swim or play. She kept asking about the mall, library, and the park with my given answer being “when the world opens.” 

My work days have a new routine but my daughter wants nothing of it. She’ll rip my headset off, throw my phone or shut my monitor off for attention. I’d plan my meetings around her tantrums or take her for a drive to impose nap time. 

Any moment away from work was dedicated to playing and conversing with her. Of course giving the attention a toddler needs, especially during an uncertain time, was another full-time job. We talked. We learned about feelings. We learned about germs. Some ask how I’d hold up a conversation with a 3.5 year old and my answer was to listen and read what she wasn’t saying. 

The Realization 

On a Friday afternoon, I had to call a work friend about a supplier. As soon as my peer heard my voice, she immediately asked what was wrong. I told her some days were better than others and this ‘quarantine’ had been rough. She asked if I see anyone or talk to anyone and my answer was “I don’t feel like it.” 

My peer has known me for almost eight years. Of the 800 people or so at work, I’m known for being one of the expressive ones. For me to say that I didn’t feel like talking, was definitely a red flag. 

I even told her about the time I took my father-in-law go his doctor appointment and how I dismissed small talk in the elevator with this older lady. Me? Me dismiss small talk? In that 30 second ride, I would’ve learned what doctor she saw and which soap opera she was heading home to watch. But instead, I kindly nodded my head to her comments. 

Subconsciously, the idea of social distancing made me shut everyone out. Do they have Covid? Why aren’t they wearing their mask right? Did I wash my hands enough today? 

That phone call woke me up. Since then, I try to connect with people and started taking my daughter to the park. I realized the pandemic isn’t going anywhere and aside from our flu shot, there was no other vaccine on the docket. I had to break out of my shell while keeping as safe as possible. I kept telling myself this was the new norm but this shouldn’t be the new me. 

The situation has impacted people on so many different levels. You may be the one to watch the news and be blessed for not being affected. At the same time, there may have been an underlying effect on you, you don’t even realize yet.

Our world is the way it is through the many different cultures that exist. Over 7 billion people reside here. We weren’t made to be secluded to less than 10. 

Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, we were born and raised to connect. To collaborate. To laugh in each other’s presence or cry in each other’s shoulders. 

Please learn to do that safely, without shutting our lovely world out. 

What Ramadan Means, This Year

Today I sat down to break fast. After the evening prayer to call, I took a long sip of water from my bottle not wanting to stop. 

My husband acknowledged my sacrifice and made a few comments. Without thinking, I said ‘what we have is a blessing and now more than ever we shouldn’t take it for granted.’ 

There has been a lot of medical advice about whether or not to fast with COVID-19 in the air. But just like any other hot summer day, I vowed to fast until I couldn’t.

Muslims fast to give sacrifice and to be cognizant of what we have that others don’t. It’s a time to not just refrain from food or water but to also refrain from negative activities, thoughts and comments. And putting religion aside, it is critical now more than ever to do this. 

Loss of Accessibility 

It’s hard to believe I’ve been home for six weeks. The last time I stayed home ‘this long’ was when I took maternity leave. Nonetheless, not even six weeks ago, I could jump in the car and head to Starbucks for a drink or grab something from the market to keep Ghonia happy. During Ramadan, we do not eat or drink from dawn to dusk and the concept of ‘just going to grab a bite to eat’ is diminished. Children, by the way, are exempt until they hit the age of puberty. Pregnant/Nursing women or those are sick or on travel are also exempt. 

What I’ve learned is that we have plenty. I was scolded by my three year old for not having playdo in the house. I didn’t give in to her screams or tears. I didn’t order something on amazon nor did I run out. 

Rather I looked at what we had and decided to make it at home. It became a fun experiment and she enjoyed it even more, knowing that she picked the color and kneaded it with mama. 

Loss of Interaction 

As an extrovert, I was in denial for the first couple of weeks of quarantine. I was so focused on tasks to keep our worksite going, I didn’t have time to lull in what was happening. But now things are quieter. And Ramadan couldn’t have come at a better time. 

I fill my day with prayers or extra interaction with my daughter, Ghonia. I try to think before I speak (which is still quite hard for me) and I focus on the important aspects of our life. 

As I mentioned earlier, it’s not just the physical fast. You become an embodiment of sacrifice and humility. You learn to disengage in certain activities or even conversations. I go as far as not watching certain shows or movies during the hours of my fast.  

The lack of interaction is a false statement. You learn to interact within and with your faith that keeps your strong. 

Loss of Resources

I teared up today while doing the dishes. In a time of this pandemic, millions have lost their jobs and their ability to care for themselves or their families. 

There may be shortages of items on the shelves at the market for those who can go but what about the shortages in the bank account? How are so many getting through this time? 

When someone asks me how I’m doing, I say that I’m blessed. Blessed that we’re all healthy and together. Blessed that we can still put food on the table. Blessed that we can all sit around at the table and cherish these moments. 

My fast was easy today. It was easy due to the simple thought that others fast like this every day. Not because they choose to but because they have no other means to. 

That is one huge part of Ramadan and I think this year it hit me hard more than past years. At first, I thought I’d struggle since I haven’t fasted in four years (2016 I was pregnant, 2017 I was nursing and 2018-2019 I had unforeseen health challenges.) 

It is a do no harm fast and with all the angst in the world right now, I feel it’d be more harm if I didn’t fast. 

We will come out of COVID a stronger human race but we will come out hopefully not forgetting the simple things that matter most. Our family. Our homes. Our resources. 

This year is will go down in history and the way you shape your thoughts will help you get through it. Any spiritual sacrifice helps one connect to the more important things. 

Listen to your inner voice. Look around you and realize the world isn’t unicorns and rainbows right now. Rather, how can you project yourself to get us closer to the pot of gold.