It
was my Junior year in Undergrad at Arizona State. I was tackling a normal
course load of about 16 credits. My goal was to graduate with honors in my
engineering field (while having some fun along the way); get married and have a
child within 10 months of graduation. It was quite simple.
The
Engineering Student Council had recruited me the year before and it was a great
extra curriculum where I would interface with industries across the valleys,
older engineering students and receive mentor-ships from professors and even the
Dean on a regular basis. On one spring afternoon, we were called to go to a
lower income school district to talk about engineering careers to 6-8th
graders. We wanted to pump them up and teach them how good grades now, equates
to scholarships later. Some of these kids didn’t have college on their radar
because of the finances, a sad story we don’t talk about enough.
They
looked bored and were not remotely interested in what I had to say. Well, three
of the 8th grade boys tried to get my number, but that was the extent
of their interest. We were failing miserably and the awkwardness was killing my
peers. So I reached into my back pocket and held up my first smart phone – Motorola
Android. Their eyes widened and I said: “Why should you become an engineer? So
you can make a better version of this!” Now they were excited. For the next
couple of hours, we talked and did some experiments and they were sad to let us
go.
On
the 45 minute commute home, I realized I had found my calling: Leadership, with
a focus on technical development. From that point on, my whole world view had
changed. I wanted to inspire people all of ages on innovation, science and
technology and be a mentor to those around me. Relationships went from being my
priority to being something my mother talked about.
Looking
back, I know I made the right choice. But on this journey, I have learned that
some men are intimidated by career oriented women. Growing up with four boys, I
was always one of the boys, so this concept never became a reality until
recently, where I stepped my feet back into the dating pool. The intimidation
is real and can create conflict in relationships and sometimes leads to ending
the relationship before a chance is even taken. Or worse, women tend to feel
discouraged and question their career decisions.
Although
we don’t have arranged marriages in my culture, I still receive marriage
proposals, which are basically a formal request to date. Last summer I was
asked by a cardiologist and we went out for coffee. I thought to myself “how
bad can it be? I make pacemakers and he implants them.” He spent a good 40
minutes giving me his back-story, which wasn’t too impressive but I was
respectful. When it got to my turn, he asked what excited me and I said my
career. I spoke a little more about that and his first follow-up question was “would
you ever consider being a stay at home mom?”
I
was speechless and wished Google translate could take what I had said and
repeat it in the native language of Mars. Luckily the barista at Starbucks
kicked us out because they were closing and I almost gave that teenager a hug
for saving me!
When
my frustrations and heartaches grew, I was on a mission to find out why. So I conducted
informal surveys across 10-15 men with different job titles. My method had no
rhyme or reason. The first set of men I asked was at work and I asked them
casually in a response to a question they had for me about how my weekend had
gone. The second set of men was more fun since it was done at bars or
restaurants, so no filters!
And
this is what I found out, where I later grouped into the three themes: Culture
Changes In Society, Successes differ between genders and General personality
traits.
} Most men don’t know how to react or
communicate to intelligent women
} Women who are gullible and easy to
control are easier for men to be with
} Male dominated world and women came in
as pests taking jobs with little to no training or education
} Napoleon Complex (Dictionary.com:
condition of being small in stature by aggressively ambitious and seeking
absolute control)
} Men were used to being the
breadwinners
} Own self failures result in resentment
towards women
} Success for men and women are defined
differently
} Women tend to be more emotionally
intelligent
} Women can come off as harsh or
dominant
The
results weren’t too surprising but I did some research to understand how it
originated.
First,
the cultural changes in society mainly stemmed from World War II. With the
surplus of men deporting overseas, women were forced into the industry to
maintain our economy on-shore and when the war was over, they basically said “we
like working.” The Women’s Movement had another piece of the shift and it
helped when women started to get elected into higher positions.
Next,
defining success to women is more based on personal worth and relationships.
How am I perceived at work? Am I approachable? Most men define success strictly
on materialistic attributes such as title and salary. This causes disconnects
and resentment. If I made more than my signification other but thought it was
so great half the company looked up to him, he may feel so small that his
female partner made more than him.
Finally,
your personality is the deal breaker. Regardless of career choice, salary or
title, your attitude towards someone defines your relationship.
In
my previous post, “Defeating The Intimidation,” I point out three ways to try
and help the situation, which are: Value
Their Career, Let
Them Lead, and Don’t
Try and Be An Engineer With Him.
The
afternoon drive home from the middle school was a wake-up call that I was born
to be a leader and I happened to have a great passion for engineering. Yes I struggle
with not being able to hold onto a relationship for more than six weeks with
someone but I deserve someone who values me for me.
Not
only have I firmly defined my worth and will never second guess my career
decisions, I have a new understanding for why men feel the way they feel and it
has helped me communicate better. So maybe I’ll be able to onto a man for seven
weeks before he goes off screaming.
Tima Erakat conducted
her first professional talk at the Society for Women Engineers Regional
Conference in San Luis Obispo on February 28, 2015.
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