Working Mom: For my FAMILY, not my tasks

Sunday night is when the house is the quietest. Baby sleeps on-time. No appliances are running. And even the neighbors seem to comply with the unspoken, school-night, lights out rule. 

It is usually the night I can catch up on my Facebook news feed and when I did a few weeks ago, “Gasp!” 

My dear friend (who I refer to as my sister) had posted a two sentence shout-out about what it’s like being a working mom and the expectations that comes with the role. 

And it struck me. I’m not the only one. 

She is one of my key role models growing up. Although, we live on opposite sides of the country today, I try to stay connected and at least follow her successes (her beautiful children, her many published novels). I will continue to aspire to be her. It looked as if she had it all figured out and I’m convinced she still does. 

I came to realize, however, that we all have the same joy and challenges that come with being working mothers. We all have our avenues of removing stress and our “cheat sheets” to managing through it. But what are the expectations? How do we manage them? And mostly importantly- where do they come from? 

What needs to be done

My daughter needs to be fed. And she needs to be held, still. She’s in a curious learning phase where independence is her new deal but she needs to see mommy and daddy in close proximity to her. On a typical day, I get home from work, fix her a plate of something that she’ll most likely throw on the floor and start dinner. I clean the kitchen, prepare dinner and monitor my daughter's meal, doing so in my work clothes. 

I try to do everything and usually within a short period of time. But I found that my daughter wants me. She wants me to sit with her as she eats (she actually finishes her meal). She wants me to sit on the floor to play with her toys and to be near when she is falling asleep. 

The dishes can wait. The laundry will be postponed until the weekend. And if there is anything pressing, it can be done at night- “after hours.”

Ever since my car accident in April where I was rear-ended on the freeway, my body became my natural clock of what I could and couldn’t do. It was a blessing in disguise to how I should be spending my strength and most importantly time. 

How do I manage it all

Last year I prepped my return from leave about a month in advanced. I started writing down my tasks on a piece of paper and putting different signals in place for when I needed to follow-up on something. For instance, one sleeve of diapers left in the baby's room meant to reorder a box on Amazon. 

I started using online grocery shopping services and curbside pickup options to minimize my time away from home. I continue to write things down but most importantly I’ve learned to let go. 

I was taught to never leave dishes in the sink. I was advised to do laundry when I had half the basket full. I was lectured about keeping the counters and floors organized and clear. 

But I stopped. We have 24 hours in the day. I spend on average 2 hours of that for my for commute, 8 hours at work and maybe 6 sleeping. And the baby spends about 10 sleeping at night, on a good lunar cycle.

That leaves four hours with her - assuming I get home on-time.

So the plate can wait (and the dishwasher has become my dearest friend). My daughter is already 18 months and every time I look in her crib, I think about how she will be 18 before I know it. 

Who is keeping tabs

My sister’s post was a wake up call. Every one of us is balancing expectations. And I’m confident that it doesn’t matter whether you’re male or female; parent or single; and young or wise- you have expectations of someone you are balancing. 

For the topic of working mothers, I can honestly say we set those expectations ourselves. And I believe genetically, we have it wired in us to do so. The woman’s body is designed to carry a human child and then withstand the stress conditions during child birth. Why do we want praise after the fact for running the household and running our company? 

People can ask how we (working mothers) do it. And that is okay if they’re looking to understand. But don’t be let down when working fathers don’t get asked the same question. They are, however, dealing with the expectations of their own. They want to choose the best role to provide, make the best decision when it comes to sleep versus play, and manage the same four hour window they get to see their child. 

The choice is ours to make. 

I decide what I’m going to cook on my way home from work or pickup takeout at our favorite spot next to the daycare. 

I decide to catch up on email in the evening until the dryer stops and fold the laundry before I fall asleep. 

This has become my way to shut down and allow myself to rest when I hit the pillow. I think about a full-time housekeeper from time to time but for me it won’t work. I like cooking for my family and find it to be a stress reliever. I love seeing my daughters toys in different places because it reassures me of her active curiosity and imagination. 

I have my breaking points from being tired or noticing that we have eaten take-out three days in a row. But that all means I have set the wrong expectations for myself that week or that day and I try to self-correct.

It is not easy being working parents. Regardless, we owe it ourselves to be true to ourselves and not burn-out or break down.

It is okay to stop. It is okay to say “I’m making Mac n Cheese for the third night in a row.”  It is most okay to choose your family over chores. 

We need to stay in the moment. We need to be present. We are gifted with these challenges, so embrace them.